Stop Insulting Yourself
I don't care if it's over text, in person, or in your own head - stop it. You deserve better. Notice your train of thought.
What's the first thing you say to yourself when you wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, or do something wrong? Genuinely notice because constantly having a conscious stream of insults swirling around in your head can be detrimental to your self-esteem.
Insulting yourself is a habit. It has become ingrained in our society as borderline acceptable and even expected. I'm here to tell you it's not a humble attribute and it is actually quite uncomfortable and sometimes infuriating to listen to. When your friend, who you think the world of, insults themselves - what do you think? What do you do? What can you even say? In your head you don't know how they could possibly view themselves that way and here you are genuinely insecure and your friend is insulting themselves. What do they think of me then? Next time you insult yourself - remember that. Realize someone might be thinking the same thing about you and then doubting themselves.
Remember that is can genuinely hurt those that care about you to know you don't see yourself the way they do.
If you catch yourself wanting to say an insult about yourself in person or over text physically stop yourself and hold yourself back.
You show others kindness, give others compliments, and support people's dreams - it is time for you to do that for yourself.
Realistic Positives
Now for something that's a bit harder and takes more practice. Switching your thoughts from "I'm an ugly b*itch" to "I'm a f*cking queen" technically isn't the best way to go about gaining confidence. If you can go from truly thinking you're ugly to a beautiful queen - I'm impressed and please teach me. If you are like I was - you won't believe that so what I want you to do is work your way up to that level by starting off with something you will believe.
I said to notice your train of thought earlier. The things that have become like white noise in your head when you think about yourself. Here are some examples.
"I'm fat" --> "I'm not where I want to be right now and that is okay *take a deep breath* what am I appreciative for right now that my body has done for me today?"
"I'm so stupid, I never to anything right. Wow I'm an idiot." --> "I'm not stupid, I made a mistake. I'm not perfect - no one is. How am I going to fix this? Is it funny? Can I laugh about this? If not let's make a plan."
Genuinely take time to switch them. The more you do it - the faster and easier it will become. It takes 21 days to build a habit. Even write down your top recurring thoughts (or write ones you notice down in your phone) and switch them on paper or in your notes app.
Accept the Compliment
For the love of God. Please take the compliment. Please let me tell you how amazing I think you are. How much I like your shirt, shoes, personality, eyes, or presence. Life isn't about external validation but oh my gosh does it make you feel good if you let it.
I'm going to let you in on a secret: Complimenting someone sometimes does more for me sometimes than the other person. When someone gets excited about the compliment and gives me a backstory to where they got the ring on their finger I love or tells me the meaning behind the words of their tattoo it brightens my day to an unbelievable extent.
Who are you to take that happiness away from me or the person complimenting you?
I genuinely understand it can be hard. I still have a hard time accepting certain compliments but I just try to genuinely make sure people know I appreciate them. They took the time out of their day to say something nice to me, I'm not going to let them regret that decision or make them feel awkward about it. They gave me a verbal gift.
Romantic Relationships
Stop pointing out your flaws and insecurities. Stop making a display of what you're insecure about. We don't care. Harsh? No, we are with you because we think very highly of you, I dare say we are attracted to you. As far as we're concerned you're perfect. They don't care about the scar you got playing soccer or the extra lbs/kg you gained over the holidays. We care about the person you are, how hard you work, and that you'll do fun things with us.
I can tell you right now, if a guy kept insulting themselves on a date with me and was constantly looking for external validation - there will not be a second date. As a partner I am not here to be your source of validation. I'm responsible for my own as are you. I want to be able to hype you up when you're down and let you know how amazing I think you are but if you keep rejecting it and don't believe it - why should I?
Exposure Therapy
Do what you're scared of:
Wear the sports bra to the gym if you're terrified of people staring at you because of your body. After the 5th time it will get easier - after the 122th time you'll be strutting in with your head held high.
Same thing goes for regular clothing. Wear what you feel confident and sexy in but every once in a while push yourself. Wear those shorts if you're insecure about your legs. Put on something you don't think you can "pull off" and walk out the door.
Buy the clothes that are YOUR size - do not buy a shirt that you 'want to fit into one day'. If nothing in your closet fits you - your confidence WILL PLUMMET.
Get Talking. If you're insecure about your personality talk to everyone for practice. The cashier, the waiter, the bus boy. Take an interest in what they have to say and what they do. Make a positive impact on their day.
Go to and stay in a social situation where you might be out of your comfort zone. Make a point to not necessarily get people to like you but to just brighten their days a bit. Don't put pressure on making friends but more so on making connections.
Take Pride in Yourself
Take pride in your appearance because you are good enough. Shower, shave, moisturize, tan, exfoliate, rest, exercise, eat fueling food, and put on whatever clothes/makeup you feel good in walking out the door. If you feel your best in no makeup and a nice top - thats what you do. If you need some make up to feel put together with leggings - strut your stuff. To take pride in your appearance means to feel good about yourself when you walk out the door (or just around the house).